This is by far the hardest post I have written yet…
I feel like I’m in a nightmare and I just want to wake up.
Unfortunately, my cancer has relapsed.
Due to the worsening of symptoms over the last few weeks, I had a chest x-ray done, followed by a chest CT. The CT showed increased lung tissue, which prompted a biopsy – done this past Tuesday. We visited with the doctor today to get the biopsy results and it is a relapse of Ewings sarcoma.
I’m still in the process of wrapping my head around this news. I’m trying to stay strong on the outside, but I’m breaking down on the inside. People ask me how I’m doing and I reply “I’m okay” but I’m definitely not.
I’m so mad at this news – so mad that I could scream. This just isn’t fair.
I do my best to keep a positive attitude throughout life, but sometimes it’s really hard.
And right now is one of those times. And in all honesty, this is a harder blow than last year’s diagnosis.
It’s harder because we now have this beautiful baby girl who needs her mommy. Being pregnant and diagnosed, we weren’t sure if she would survive the chemotherapy. Praise God that she did – that she was born healthy and beautiful and she has become the light in our lives.
And now this unfortunate news has to make us think about the future and whether or not Abbie will have me around.
There are 4 tumors this time, a few less than the 8 that were found last July. They are significantly smaller than the others, which is a good thing. They also seem to be contained only in the pleural cavity, which is where they were before. I will have a PET scan done in the next few days to determine if there are any other places that the cancer might have metastasized to.
The treatment this time around will be a bit more intense.
Chemotherapy only would just be palliative care – simply buying me some time.
With the addition of radiation, it will better my odds; however, the chance of cure for this disease, especially in adults, is low.
Now that can be interpreted in a number of ways. Talking about cancer, people are not considered “cured” of the disease until 5 years have passed with no recurrence. A person is in “remission” when a year has passed with no signs of recurrence. So in terms of survival, the word “cure” may not be the best word to use.
In the next several days, we will be receiving clarity to many of our questions and what lies ahead of us.
But looking beyond all of the tests and procedures, all of the medical jargon – what matters most is that I get better.
I have to get better so that I can watch my baby girl grow up.
I want to see her off on her first day of kindergarten…
I want her to tell me about her first crush…
I want to see her graduate and go to college…
I want to see her get married and experience the joy of being a grandmother.
All of those times that a mother needs to be around for, I want to be around for.
Right now, we don’t know what the future holds. I may have one year left on this earth, I may have ninety.
Nobody but God knows. But whatever time left, I want to make it count.
I have to make it count.
And I’m going to allow myself to be sad and mad about this news, but only for a little while.
Then I have to pick myself up off the ground, dry my tears and get busy getting better.
I have a husband and a baby girl who are depending on me to be around for a long time and that’s my goal.
So here we go, down this road again…
There will be smiles and tears – there may be some unknowns.
But we have so many loved ones traveling this road with us. We know we’re not alone.
All I ask is that you keep my little family in your prayers tonight.
We need them more than ever.