This is by far the hardest post I have written yet…
I feel like I’m in a nightmare and I just want to wake up.
Unfortunately, my cancer has relapsed.
Due to the worsening of symptoms over the last few weeks, I had a chest x-ray done, followed by a chest CT. The CT showed increased lung tissue, which prompted a biopsy – done this past Tuesday. We visited with the doctor today to get the biopsy results and it is a relapse of Ewings sarcoma.
I’m still in the process of wrapping my head around this news. I’m trying to stay strong on the outside, but I’m breaking down on the inside. People ask me how I’m doing and I reply “I’m okay” but I’m definitely not.
I’m so mad at this news – so mad that I could scream. This just isn’t fair.
I do my best to keep a positive attitude throughout life, but sometimes it’s really hard.
And right now is one of those times. And in all honesty, this is a harder blow than last year’s diagnosis.
It’s harder because we now have this beautiful baby girl who needs her mommy. Being pregnant and diagnosed, we weren’t sure if she would survive the chemotherapy. Praise God that she did – that she was born healthy and beautiful and she has become the light in our lives.
And now this unfortunate news has to make us think about the future and whether or not Abbie will have me around.
There are 4 tumors this time, a few less than the 8 that were found last July. They are significantly smaller than the others, which is a good thing. They also seem to be contained only in the pleural cavity, which is where they were before. I will have a PET scan done in the next few days to determine if there are any other places that the cancer might have metastasized to.
The treatment this time around will be a bit more intense.
Chemotherapy only would just be palliative care – simply buying me some time.
With the addition of radiation, it will better my odds; however, the chance of cure for this disease, especially in adults, is low.
Now that can be interpreted in a number of ways. Talking about cancer, people are not considered “cured” of the disease until 5 years have passed with no recurrence. A person is in “remission” when a year has passed with no signs of recurrence. So in terms of survival, the word “cure” may not be the best word to use.
In the next several days, we will be receiving clarity to many of our questions and what lies ahead of us.
But looking beyond all of the tests and procedures, all of the medical jargon – what matters most is that I get better.
I have to get better so that I can watch my baby girl grow up.
I want to see her off on her first day of kindergarten…
I want her to tell me about her first crush…
I want to see her graduate and go to college…
I want to see her get married and experience the joy of being a grandmother.
All of those times that a mother needs to be around for, I want to be around for.
Right now, we don’t know what the future holds. I may have one year left on this earth, I may have ninety.
Nobody but God knows. But whatever time left, I want to make it count.
I have to make it count.
And I’m going to allow myself to be sad and mad about this news, but only for a little while.
Then I have to pick myself up off the ground, dry my tears and get busy getting better.
I have a husband and a baby girl who are depending on me to be around for a long time and that’s my goal.
So here we go, down this road again…
There will be smiles and tears – there may be some unknowns.
But we have so many loved ones traveling this road with us. We know we’re not alone.
All I ask is that you keep my little family in your prayers tonight.
We need them more than ever.
Thinking of you and yours. . Keep your head up beautiful
Dear God, thank you for the testing that found these 4 small spots before they again became 8 bigger spots! Thank you for beautiful baby girl who survived growing inside her mama’s belly while she was taking chemotherapy treatments! Thank you for all the incredible and encouraging words your daughter, Sarah has so courageously shared with so many! Thank you for her raw and beautiful honesty! Thank you for holding her as she gets mad at the idea of having to fight against this disease yet again! Thank you for getting mad right along with her! Thank you for picking her up and dusting her off and gifting her with the strength needed to keep fighting! Thank you for helping her to fake it till she makes it with her response to those “how are you doing?” questions as they come. Thank you for her honesty spilled out into her blog so we that love and support her know when to pray harder, more frequently and more fervently for her and for her entire family! God, we know You only have goodness planned for our futures and facing this fear-filling fight again has got to bring up doubts at times… Grant Sarah and her family and friends the ability to push those doubts aside as they come and quickly replace them with Your good and perfect promises! Remind them You are still in charge and You will never leave nor forsake us! Remind them that Your Holy Spirit gifts us the power we need to face the darkness and to shine where only You made us to shine! Encourage your steadfast daughter through this challenge knowing she can once again, kick the tired, ugly, old butt of the devil who keeps losing his battle at trying to get the best of her, as long as she keeps choosing You to fight with her! Thank you for always agreeing to fight with us and sometimes just for us when we feel we can’t fight ourselves! And, thank you, God, for Smiling with Sarah! All this and so much more we lift up to You to do with as You see best! Amen!
God bless you, Sarah, again and again and again!
Many thoughts and prayers to all of you!!
Sending prayer’s
Praying for you, Sarah.
Oh sweet cousin. Thinking and praying for you and your family.
You are amazing person. You don’t know me but Jim is my Uncle and Vickie is my mother.
When the word courage comes to my mind you are on the list.
We will be praying for all of u.
Simple word Cancer has touched so many of our lives.
I am so very proud of you! As empty as that sounds right now. You are not alone.
Thoughts and prayers Sara for you and your amazing family! We are all here for you and will always have your back through it all.
You are in my prayers sweet lady. Prayers change things and having a positive outlook does as well. Believe in your with all your might that you WILL beat this. Have great faith that God will heal you. God hears our prayers and answers them in His own time, but He does answer them.
Hugs and much love to you and your family. Please let us know if we can help in any way.
May God bless you with His healing hands and strength!
Praying… Stay strong. We love you!
Praying and sending Hugs! Trusting God !
Sending prayers your way! Although we do not know each other personally… know you and your family are being thought of, and prayed for.
Prayers r with u , u have such great strength an faith. I do have a beautiful family. Love u
A strong person is one who is other peoples sunshine throughout their own storm. Miss Sarah that cannot describe you any better. Here you are, in the midst of this storm, focused on being the sunshine for your daughter and husband, and the hundreds of people reading your blog. I pray with my whole heart that God holds you close through this and for your family as well. I do hope you allow yourself to cry at times, to be angry, and to let others do their best to be the sunshine for you.
Praying for you and your family!
Prayers for you and your beautiful family.
My heart goes out to you and your family…I hate this monster called cancer!! (I am fighting metastatic melanoma myself) prayers for you all..that God will heal you but also that He will grant you that peace that passes all understanding, that makes each day a little more bearable.
I said a prayer for you. You are such a positive force in this world. I know you will beat this again!!(((Hugs)))
Oh Sarah… I just have no words. I will pray for you.
God is with you and your family through all things. I pray that He does a miraculous healing in you. Trust Him in everything. You are making an impact in the lives of others. You are ministering to us and I for one, am proud of your courage. Love on your husband and baby girl! One day at a time- Press On. Blessings,
Eileen Wilkins
I praying for you Sarah. Live ya girly and you got this..
Thoughts and prayers to you and your entire family. Stay strong in this struggle as you have in the past. God’s watching over you and your little family. Prayers sent to you all and thank you for sharing your story..we are all hoping and praying for you all
Praying for you and your family. You have a beautiful daughter.
Thinking of you!!! You’re in my prayers! Hugs!
I know we have only met a few times and don’t know each other that well but please find some comfort in knowing my family is praying for you & yours. You will continue to be in our prayers every day!! Cancer is so ugly. I hate it!! We will be praying for a miracle 🙂
Sarah, gosh there are so many things to be said here but I want to keep this short and just let you know your truly wonderful. You have been so strong willed and determined and it is truly remarkable that your able to start healing emotional and taking on this cancer full force again. No matter what the future may hold your going to be making a huge difference in so many ways for your family, your friends, and your fellow cancer survivors and the ones just starting their cancer treatment journey! I pray so much for the Dr’s ability to rid this from you so you can keep being the wonderful mother and wife that you are! Blogging your journey is going to be such a great way to help heal your minds whirling thiughts and your heart that feels like breaking right now from this gut wrenching news…. I wish you all the well wishes and prayers I can think of in hopes that God gives you as much time with that precious baby girl as possible.
Love and prayers to you. Don’t see you enough Sarah, but you know you mean a lot to me. It has been awhile since you and Adam were in college where I met you. Hate all you have had to go through. Keep fighting girlie. And if you need anything, we will be here/there wherever you need. Just call.
Sarah, keep fighting. You are right you do have a lot of people fighting, praying and thinking positively for you. I know personally how difficult the battle is. How tiring and frustrating it becomes. But trudge forward with all your heart and soul. When come out on the other side of the battle you will know once again it was worth it! I look at you now all grown up and I still see that perky feisty young girl I knew in elementary school. You can do this and we will all be there to support you all along the way! Praying for you and your family.
We will definitely be praying for you and your Beautiful Family!!! Sending love and hugs and prayers!!!
Praying for you and your family. I admire your strength and courage. Those qualities will allow you to beat this again!
Sarah, this news breaks my heart. We are so blessed to serve such an awesome God. A God who would love nothing more than to trade you worry for encouragement, or fear for strength. A God who delights when we come to Him, with requests to others that may seem
Impossible. Like growing a perfect baby girl for you a year ago!
My heart does not know from experience what yours is feeling, but the woman and momma in me has a heart that is far stretched out to you.
Our family will pray diligently for yours. Sending love to you, Sarah.
Praying for you and your family every day. God bless you.
Prayers for you and your family Sarah !
Praying for you and your family, Sarah!
Continued prayers for healing and resilience for you and your entire family. God is good, all the time.
Love you sis. ❤️❤️❤️
Please contact me with a link I would like to send you. You will be so encouraged! This fight can be won. There is help! But YOU will need to do it and not your doctors. Your body can heal. Information is what you need. I am selling nothing. I just try to give information where it is needed. God bless!
Sarah you will be in my daily prayers for healing and so will Abbie and your hubby. May the Lord shower you with HIS healing power and give you restoration of your body. ♡
Praying for you and hour family!!!
Prayers your way and your family and friends way! Recently I lost my brother after 4 years of him fighting multiple myeloma! You are strong you got this
Sarah you and your family are in my prayers.
Praying!
We are all here to be by your side and if you need any help in the meantime. Our prayers will be with all of you.
My sweet Sarah, sending hugs and prayers your way. You are a strong woman and always so positive. Never give up.
Praying for you and your family. May God place His healing hands upon you!
Prayers for your healing. Enjoy every day with your baby and husband. We are only given each day as it comes to us. Live in the moment.
Dear sweet Sarah…. My heart is so very heavy for you and your precious family. I know there are so many things spinning in your head. God has a plan for your life and even though you can’t see what it is, never lose hope.
I have been following, little Lilly Bumpus, who was diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma just after her birth. Her mom, Trish, is the champion who has taught her that “everyday is a gift”! I believe she’s almost 600 days cancer free.
Lilly is a “miracle girl” and I believe you are as well. I am asking God to heal you and give you a very long and loved life.
I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers and heart! You’re a fighter, Ms Sarah, and so greatly loved!
Diane (Moore) Cadiz
Sarah I will be praying for you and your family. God is good and will heal you just put everything in his loving hands.
My dear Sarah, I am so proud of you. Your daughter is so beautiful and congratulations . We will be praying for you and your family. I know you can do it! God Bless You.
Sarah, there are so many prayers coming your way! So many!! You are so loved!! God Bless you and your family!!
Keep on fighting Sarah!! You have so many people pulling for you!
Oh my sweet Sarah! I’m so sorry this is happening again! ? You are one of the strongest women I’ve ever met!!! I will be praying for you and yours!
Praying continuously. May God’s blessings be with you and your family.
Love you Ms. Sara.you have all my prayers for you and your beautiful little family xoxo
Sarah you have faced more challenges in your young life than many of us face in a lifetime and you have faced it with grace and courage. You have every right to be mad and yell but as soon as your done you get back to the business of kicking this. Sending you lots of love and good thoughts and we will be praying for you up here in Michigan. Hang tough little fighter ?
I don’t know you at all but this breaks my heart. I hate cancer, it’s not fair, it’s not just and in most cases the treatment is almost as bad as the disease. Stay strong, love and cherish every minute..will be keeping you in my thoughts a d prayers..
I attend Connect Point Church . I’m recieving healing for you today . I have never met you but honey I know God is able to healing again . The ole Devil is liar in Jesus . Every morning you get you say to your self I’m healed . Say it every day . The are many people praying for you be strong for your children and remember every day is one step closer to being healed . God Bless Roger Crews
All my love and prayers
May the force be with you!
Love Brian
Praying for you mightily.
Sending prayers
Sarah I read this a few days ago and simply couldn’t respond. I had to give my self some time to be really really pissed off and really really sad and still am. My mother often said that life wasn’t fair but–seriously? Went to your FB page this morning and read the wonderful, loving supportive comments from so very many people in your life. Wow. You are certainly blessed in that regard. Sending out universal prayers for hope and healing. Enjoy your little gal’s big day today! At some point let us know in what tangible ways we can be helping. much love your way
I don’t know you but I’m so thankful I found your blog so that I can pray for you and send you many many positive thoughts! God bless you sweetie and that little sugar bear of yours!
Your Abbie is beautiful just like her mother. My heart breaks for you! I know this kind of miracles does’t happen every day but that’s what I and many others are asking for.
This just breaks my heart for you Sarah. My mom, I know was so proud of you for fighting the way you have. And I know you have a Guardian angel in her up there. Keep fighting gjrl! And if you need anything please let me know.
Sarah, I am a very close high school friend of your father’s and and knew Debbie quite well. We took a drive down from St. Louis on Saturday and spent an hour or so at the Winery with JP. He shared this news with us. My wife, Cindy, and I are in prayer daily for you and Abbie. We took with us our Abigail, who is our 5 year old granddaughter. We all marveled at the pics of your beautiful daughter.
Sarah, you are in our prayers every night. Liv especially has been thinking about you. She wants to play her favorite piano song in the talent show for you. She keeps saying how Sarah will be so proud! Be sad for as long as you need to, we are here for your no matter what.
Sending prayers for you to get better so you can see that Lil angel grow!
Sarah, You may not remember me. My son Daniel and step son Robby were high school friends of Jenny’s. It was always a delight for me to run into you around Cobden. I m praying for you. Praying for peace in the process.Praying for healing. Praying for strength to fight. Praying for encouragers to rally around you on the terrible days. Praying you will see God’s grace and sense His presence in your battle. Blessings Sarah. From Jennifer Speer
Praying for you, my heart aches to even think of all that you have gone through in your life. You are one tough cookie and I know you will continue to be strong even when you feel tired and broken. Every smile, giggle and kiss from your little one will be fuel to your fire. Your posts are truly inspirational.
As always, we are praying for you sarah! May God give you the strength to defeat this devil. You have overcame so much and never quit without a fight!
R church an all of us, have u as n family in prayers. GOD IS GOOD, LOVE U ALL
Sarah, I will keep you and your family in prayer. God is the only one who can heal you completely. I know you and Abigail are such a blessing to Michael. Your friend, Tiffany (Watkins) Petersen
I’m so sorry to read this Sarah! You one strong lady and you have lots to do here on earth yet! Stay positive and love that little girl with all of your heart!!!
You must know that our love and prayers are always with you…now and always. You are the strongest person I know….! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Prayers for you and your family. God bless all of you
May God bless you Sarah. You are an amazing young woman. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Sending love to you and your family.
Spoke w ur Mom and she updated me on the doc from Clevland Clinic
I’ll be praying for you. Stay strong friend.
U will be in my prayers from now on…I will also ask my frnds n family to remember u n ur family in our prayers… Stay strong… Good times aren’t far away…God bless
Praying for you and your family doll.. Sorry you have to keep going through all this ☹
Praying for u Sarah.
Sweet Sarah, my heart goes out to you and your family. A few years ago I told you I believed God has a special plan for you in this world and although we may not realize it right now, one day it will become clear. You are such an inspiration to so many people, you carry yourself and your burden with tremendous grace and courage-how can the rest of us not be inspired. My hopes for you are that you get to rock your grand babies to sleep and Abbey has time to realize what a lucky little girl she is that God gave her you as her mommy! Praying for you every day and night. Love you tons!
Anita Sweitzer
Oh Sarah, we continue to pray for you and your family.
I am sorry but I am also confident that you will once again conquer. You’re very good at that and I will pledge to pray earnestly for positive results.
May God bless and keep you Sarah. You are one strong gal. Many thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I’m with you you are going to be fine god bless you and heal you in the name of Jesus. Take hold of this by his stripes you are healed. I’ve seen prayer heal. I love you hi
So saddening to see this is a beautiful woman and mother’s life. I will put you in my prayer list Sarah. Be strong and never stop fighting!
Prayers for you and your family Sara!!!! You are such an inspiration to so many, including me!!!! Take your time to be mad and sad and then go with it!!!!!
You are in our prayers! God Bless You and your family.