I’m writing this post from my room in the Progessive Care unit (step-down post ICU) a little before midnight on Saturday night. Boy, a lot has happened in the last few days – I unfortunately have not remembered much of it at all, but those who have been with me and family from afar have been incredibly worried and had the courtesy to let me in on what’s happened over these last few days…
After I returned from Ireland on June 8th, I knew that I’d soon be leaving for Cleveland again. The appointment was originally scheduled for June 12th, but had been rescheduled for June 14th. The planned CT scan turned into a PET scan because of pain I had been having while in Ireland.
News from the PET scan was not what I had hoped for. It showed 3 masses on my left chest wall, one low in the back, one low in the front and one above – between my armpit and heart.
This news was devastating, to say the least. We thought progress had been being made in getting rid of the tumors, and now new ones had developed.
I can actually feel one of the lower tumors. Every time I run my hand across it, I feel a plethora of emotions – but mainly anger. I would give anything to be able to reach inside and yank the damn thing out, but I can’t.
I knew I had to return to Cleveland soon; we were discussing radiation options and other forms of treatment. We attended church altogether on Sunday morning, and Michael and I treated our fathers to a special Father’s Day lunch in Macomb on June 18th before heading to Indiana. My cousin lived in Indiana, about 4 hours from Cleveland; we figured it was a good way to break up the long trip.
My next few days are sketchy – but from what I am told is that we had an appointment with Dr. Murthy, an oncologist, on June 20th, with plans to meet with a radiation oncologist and start prepping for radiation treatments.
My right lung, though no evidence of disease was seen in scans, showed about 1/4 worth of fluid sitting on the lung. This was important to drain off immediately, as radiation usually has you laying flat and radiation to the rib area usually has you holding your breath for a short period of time. The plan was to insert a PleurX catheter, which I would keep in indefinitely – allowing me to drain it at home if anymore fluid had accumulated.
During the placement of the PleurX catheter, my heart stopped three times. They had to shock it each time to get it going again. The team decided that they could not keep the PleurX in, so they drained what fluid they could and got me stabilized. I was in ICU for a day or two, and then moved to a unit called the “Step Down” unit.
Michael had been the only one with me from the 18th through approximately the 22nd, when he called my parents and told them to come out here. They brought our daughter so that we could see her. My dad took her back to Illinois today, and my mom and Michael have stayed.
It’s scary not to remember the last few days. To know that you were on the brink of death, three times, and the doctors were able to bring you back from that. Today has been the first day that I’m alert to the point of remembering things and asking questions, and it’s frightening to hear how the last few days have been. I have to speak only great things about my husband – having to hear that your wife’s heart stopped 3 different times while in the operating room would be devastating, but being by yourself, I believe, would make it so much more difficult. He called my parents and told them that they should come back this way – and both of his parents (and brother and sister in law) have prepared to make stops in to visit us, which has been very nice.
So the fluid was drained off the lung. The catheter was not left in. I had a chest tube for a few days, but that has come out. I’m on a steady stream of pain meds and Heparin, which helps to decrease the ability of blood to clot. I have rescheduled appointments to meet with the radiation oncologist this week to develop a plan for radiation. This plan will most likely consist of a large period of time here in Cleveland – roughly 3 weeks of radiation, M-F. I believe a regimen of chemotherapy will be started either in conjunction with the radiation or directly after – I’m not sure of their decision yet.
My family and I ask for continued prayers. This is a difficult road ahead of us and support is needed. This is considered a setback, but as with any setback, we have to deal with it as it comes.
I just have to thank God for allowing me to have such a great time on the Ireland trip. Any of these terrible things that have happened in the last few days could have easily happened 3,000 miles away in a country where no one knew my history and my siblings would have been beside themselves. But they would have taken care of me, I know that for a fact.
But it happened here, in Cleveland, among the doctors working on my case, and they will continue to devise a plan that will hopefully get rid of this cancer once and for all. It is simply wearing me down – I’m tired.
I feel my faith becoming shaky.
I feel that my body and I are at war against each other.
I feel that I’m being punished for something.
And I have finally quit trying to understand why this keeps happening, because I now know that I will never have that answer.
I am reminded of what I was told prior to my surgery last fall… “Medicine cannot fix this anymore. That’s why we have to do surgery.”
I’ve been knocked down so many times and each time, it becomes harder and harder to get back up.
I feel that, for the first time in all my years of being sick, this disease could actually take my life.
And it hurts me to see my daughter having to watch me go through this. People say that she won’t remember this; that we’ll only have the pictures of her with me in the hospital, but when she’s older and I’m healthy again, we’ll be able to enjoy a normal life. I sure hope that’s possible.
I prayed and prayed, before I got married, that my future husband would never have to endure this disease with me again (I had lymphoma at 15, Ewings sarcoma at 18) but that wasn’t in God’s plan. He brought my disease back when I was pregnant with my daughter. As difficult as it was to deal with that, He made sure that she was born happy and most importantly, healthy. But that still wasn’t going to cut it… I relapsed three short months after finishing treatment for the 3rd diagnosis. Since March 2016, my daughter has been to visit me in the hospital too many times to count. We have tried to maintain a life as normal as possible when treatment was prolonged for awhile, but it’s still hard. Some days, it seems as if I’ll be battling this disease forever – that there’s no end in sight. This makes me sad for my husband and my daughter – that I may not be around to experience the joys of wife and motherhood.
But like all hard things, I have to lean not on my own understanding, but more on God’s plan. Even though I may not understand it, and I may not like it, I’m not the one in charge – He is. I sure hope He chooses to keep me well – to be around for a long time for my husband and my daughter. But if not, I hope that the memories I have created with them will last for a lifetime. It’s too difficult to think of saying goodbye – but I know too many young mothers who have had this awful disease and left this world way too soon.
If you pray, I ask that you pray for myself and my family – to give us strength in whatever capacity we may need it.
If you feel compelled to help in other ways, please consider donating to my second baby – the Festival of L.I.F.E. that I created last year.
All of the money raised goes to the American Cancer Society to help cancer patients and their families through a multitude of ways – advocacy, education, research and services. I have benefited from several of the services and you probably know others who have been helped as well.
But we don’t have a crystal ball to look into the future. We can only pray and hope for the best outcome. I appreciate all of you following my journey – you are the reason I have to write these blog posts; I know someone out there is reading and hopefully gaining some inspiration.
Thank you for following my journey – it’s not over yet.
Prayers sent for God’s divine intervention and total healing! Connie Handzo
Stay strong Sarah…. we walk by faith,not by sight… you are in my prayers daily, and tho your getting tired, God can and will, give you the strength needed to keep fighting… your always in my thoughts and prayers!!! Love you girl?
Oh Sarah, Sarah, Sarah once again you have left me at an absolute loss for words. The heartwrenching suffering of such a remarkable young woman is beyond my comprehension. As you said, no one will ever be able to answer the “Why?”. Please know that I think of and pray for you constantly Prayers that your strength to fight continues to sustain to burn and propel you forward and that you and your family will know that God is with you each and every moment of the day. Keep smiling Sarah-Lots of love from Michigan!
Will keep you and your family in my prayers. You are such a magnificent woman, wife, daughter, and mother and I have faith that you can beat this.
Sarah Joe and I are so sorry that you’re going through this but our prayers continue for you and your family
Just love……and bringing you to God’s heart and placing you there.
Prayers being sent to you and your family.
Continued prayers for you and your family Sarah! ❤️❤️????❤️❤️
U r a strong young lady, we love u and prayers continue daily! Remember ur faith! ♡♡♡
Sarah our prayers are always with you. You are a fighter, God bless you and your family.
Your strength of character and willingness to share are truly God-given and my prayer is that it will sustain you through the trial ahead and bring you home the victor once again.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and have been while you have gone through your journey. I will continue to pray for healing. I’m glad you got to go to Ireland with your family.
Continued prayers for you and the family, sweet Sarah.
You are so strong!! Keep fighting girl!! Lots of prayers being sent to you and your family!! ❤
My thought’s and prayers are with you and your Family Sarah! I would do anything in this world to help you and make it better!
Many prayers for you Sarah. Stay strong. Don’t give up!
Sarah, you are truly an inspiration to me! I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you yet, hopefully I will soon. My husband, Rick, has told me how amazing you are and about your journey. I am a nurse and I know that by reading your posts that you have fought and won some major battles. I am and will continue to pray for you and your family. Much love to you from Indiana ?
Prayers for you and your family. I can’t even imagine, but reading your blogs I know u have to be the strongest person I have ever met, even though only a few times. Prayers continued!
Sending prayers for you & your entire family.
Praying for miracles! God is still in the miracle business! Don’t ever lose hope! ?
Sending many thoughts and prayers to you and your family.It broke my heart reading this and reading all that you have been through.Stay strong for that beautiful little girl of yours and may god heal you soon.
Prayers for you and your family. May God Give you all the strength and courage and understanding to carry you through this time.
My thoughts sand prayers are with you and your family. ?
Oh, Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. You are setting such a shining example of strength and love for your beautiful daughter.
Prayer Sent to you and your family, may god be watching over that beautiful baby of yours ❤️
Sarah,until one goes through what you are going through,words can sometimes sounds shallow,but your words are very deep and profound,I have been through 2 surgeries and 2 years of treatment,This only a fraction of what you have been through.I hate cancer,I hate the pain,I hate how it consumes us,It is with us every waking minute,Our minds have to consciously be in overdrive,Some would say,One becomes to self centered,I say your right,battle on Sarah,I hear your fighting words for your mind is so RIGHT!!!Strenghth,Hope,and Spirit to Smile that pretty smile,Stay tough my little catcher!!
Praying for you Sara! Hang in there!!
Love the picture of you your baby and sweet mom praying for your family during this time of illness pain and healing God continue to hold you in his hands. Love
Praying for you and your family. Don’t give up your fight trust in God.
For he is with you on this journy.
Sarah, I do not know you, but your blog has come up on my newsfeed as people comment on your posts. My husband is from the Colchester area, and I believe he knows your husband. Your post has left me speechless and tears running down my face. You are amazing and a true fighter. I am sending all my love to you and you family.
Please Lord lay your hands on this family and those caring for them. Please give them strength for what lies ahead. In Jesus name. Amen.
With God all things are possible! Hugs, positive thoughts and prayers to you and your loved ones.
Sending prayers from the Casper’s.
Continuing to pray for you and your whole family!! Love you so much, Sarah!!
Lord i lift Sarah and her family up to You. Father i ask for your strength to carry them through this. I ask that You cover them in Your Peace as they travel this journey. Lord if it be in your will please heal Sarah from this cancer. I thank you that You hear our prayers and can confidently know that Sarah is in your hands. I pray for Michael and that sweet baby girl Lord that you guide them through this and provide strength, courage and love for all of them. Thank You Jesus for hearing our Prayers.
Sarah I continue to pray for you May God’s Peach encompass you today and everyday! Holly
Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Michael, Abbie and your entire families…. your strong blogs are discipling so many people… all of whom are praying and loving you all… your faith is not faltering… those are the times he is carrying you… May God lift you and yours up with healing rest and comfort, as he guides you thru this… Love you all
My heart is broken for you!! And your strength inspires me! I will pray for you Sarah. Take care! Sincerely, Debbie Mason, mother of 5 grown daughters.
Sarah prayers to you and you family❤️
Myron , Lori and Jonathan
We are praying for you and your family, Sarah!
Praying for God to bless you and your family. For our Good Lord to place his hands upon you and the Drs that are taking care of you and to lead them down the right road for you to make another miracle come true and to be clean and free of all cancer very soon. For him to give your family the strength they need to stay strong and cheer you through this battle. I have watched your journey and each posts brings me to tears. What a sweet, innocent, and perfect little family. Praying for you all.
Prayers ,prayers for a strong woman, God knows what is in store for u an family, love u u am all
Sarah, Prayers for you & your family, for strength & determination. Prayers for your doctors, that they find the right course of treatment. May our loving God wrap his arms around you & bring you his healing power.
Sweet sweet Sarah! I know it’s not always meant for us to understand God’s plans. It makes it so difficult though. I have learned very recently my own struggle was to help heal someone else who in turn completed my own internal healing. I know you have blessed countless individuals and families going through cancer treatments and so many other illnesses and struggles! Your legacy is endless! I pray God continues to strengthen you and your family through this. I pray He enlightens you with His understanding for His plans for you! I pray for His perfect peace that passes all humanly understanding to ease, comfort and guide you and your family through every moment of your futures! Continue to trust in Him, He hasn’t set you down yet and He’s not about to let go of you now! It’s perfectly fine to be angry with Him! Just don’t let it fester bitterness in your beautiful heart!
??God will take care of you, through every day ore all the way, He will take care of you! God will take care of you! ??
Love you and your family!
Big prayers!
?Jessica Phelps
I pray God will give you a miracle & heal you to continue to be the amazing Mom you are to your precious little girl.
My heart ❤️ goes out to you. Keep your faith. There many people prying for you , of that I am sure.
Dan and I pray for you and your family everyday…you are such an amazing and beautiful friend…we only wish we could do something to help you…little Abbie is so precious…love and prayers to you Sarah…
Oh, Sweet Sarah…I can not even begin to imagine how terribly tired you are of fighting the “cancer beast”! I pray that God gives you the strength you need to continue fighting the fight, until the radiation, chemo or vaccine work and beat the beast once and for all!
When you have those moments of feeling defeated, look into the eyes of your beautiful little girl for the encouragement, strength and the joy you need to keep going! When I look at Abbie’s sweet little face, I see a happy, easy going little “miracle” girl…who’s looks of determination and unsaid words seem to be “come on Mom, you can beat this…WE have a lot of playing to do, stories to tell and memories to make!” Yes you do, Sarah!! Find strength, love and encouragement in God, ‘minnie you’ (Aka Abbie) and your loving family and friends. We are here to help you weather the storm.
You and your entire family are continuely in our thoughts and prayers, Sarah! I love you and am fighting for you as are so many others!