Monday is drawing near.
I fully trust my team of doctors and surgeons to do their job come Monday. They are the best of the best; they do this procedure a lot.
But that doesn’t mean that the surgery is free of risks and without complications. The bigger the surgery, the greater the risk – and this is a major surgery with risks that include blood clots, breathing issues and other complications that can occur post-surgery.
As we have felt for so long, people are enveloping us in love and prayer, and for that we are thankful. Everyone is praying for the best, and that is what we are trusting God to provide – the best possible outcome. However, my mind, as well as my husband’s, and probably more folks than care to admit, the worst has crossed our minds.
So Michael and I have prepared the best way we know how…
About a month and a half ago, when we knew that this surgery was going to happen, I contacted Michael’s aunt. For several years, she has made greeting cards and does a beautiful job of it (visit her blog here!) She had experienced cancer and its unfortunate loss in her life, so I knew she would understand the emotionally raw request that I was about to make.
I prefaced my request by saying, “I have a big favor to ask of you. You may need some tissues.” She assured me that she was prepared and happy to help with whatever I needed. I began my request…
“We’ve decided that I should fill out cards for Abbie for future milestones in case I’m not here. I would need birthday cards from age 2 through 21, 2 graduation cards (high school and college) and a wedding card.”
No lie…that has been the toughest request I have ever made.
But Lynda was a champ – she accepted it without hesitation and said she understood where we were coming from.
It was originally Michael’s idea that I do this, and though I knew it would incredibly difficult, I agreed that it was necessary.
Lynda finished the cards and mailed them to me several weeks ago. I opened them because I wanted to see how beautiful they were, but they sat in their envelope for weeks. I would look at it every day, knowing that I needed to get them done soon, but I had to be in the right frame of mind to do it. This was not a task you did mindlessly while watching television.
I did not get them done before we left for Cleveland, so I brought them with me. And last night, I opened up the envelope and began writing…
Many tears were shed during the writing process.
I was by myself in the lounge part of our suite.
At one point, Michael walked in from the bedroom to check on me. He read part of one of the cards from over my shoulder and stepped away saying – “How can you do that? I can barely read it” as he teared up.
“This is what we wanted to do,” I reminded him, “I just need to do it.” Then I told him that he needed to go, since I was getting more emotional than I already was.
It was such an odd feeling – writing in each of these cards and then putting the dates on them for when they should be opened. I was writing messages to my daughter in the future – imagining what type of person she would be, what she would look like, the things that she would do.
Her 21st birthday will fall on September 15, 2036. That seems so far off!
I think I finished all of the cards about 2.5 hours after starting. I went in to the bedroom and told Michael I was finished, showing him the dates on each card to indicate when they should be given to her.
We both hope, with our entire being, that he will never have to give her these cards.
I pray that every single thing that I wrote in those cards, I will be able to tell her in person when that special day comes around.
I hope that I’m able to give her a hug in person instead of her having to read the words, “I wish I was there to give you a big hug!”
As I said, we’re putting all of our hope, faith and trust in these educated professionals come Monday morning, as well as in the days, weeks and months following surgery.
We are praying that I come through this with as little pain as possible and the fewest complications possible. All of our prayer warriors are praying for the same thing, too.
Only God knows…
Leaving her on Wednesday morning was very hard. As I rocked her to sleep on Tuesday night, I couldn’t tell her enough how much I loved her. With tears streaming down my face and her trying to wipe them off, I sang to her -“You are my Sunshine.”
I’ve been singing that tune to her since she was born. It is the perfect song for her and I – she makes me happy when skies are gray and will always be my sunshine.
She didn’t fall asleep for me, so I gave her to her daddy so he could get some quality snuggles in. She fell asleep on his chest soon after and I carried her to her crib.
When I was ready for bed, I walked into her room and just stared at her – my beautiful baby girl – my biggest reason for continuing to fight.
I decided right then that we would have our first “slumber party.” I laid out some blankets on the floor, put some pillows down and lifted my sleeping baby out of her crib. I fell asleep beside her on the floor.
When the alarm went off on Wednesday morning, I was dreading it. I just wanted to stay in that spot forever, but I knew that I couldn’t. I took her into our bedroom, where Michael snuggled her some more, before we had to start getting ready to go.
We loaded the car after breakfast and prepared to say our goodbyes. Abbie was distracted by the buttons on her overalls, which may have been for the better (as I was a blubbering mess), but I held her so tight and didn’t want to let go.
But I had to.
We got in the car and headed down the road, waving until they were no longer in sight.
It is so difficult to say goodbye, and it’s especially hard to do when there’s a wrenching feeling inside of you that you may not make it back home. As much as I try to stay positive, it isn’t always easy to do. Your mind definitely wanders to the worst case scenario – which is a big part of why we put a will in place (read about that experience here).
I fully enjoyed my last few days at home before coming to Cleveland earlier this week. I found that when I began thinking or speaking about my surgery in depth, my mind wandered to the bad that could happen, and when that happens, it becomes very difficult to pull myself back from that. So I didn’t think or speak about it too much.
And now we’re here, less than 48 hours from this surgery. I have promised to do my part, going into this surgery healthy and strong, listening to the doctor’s advice on recovery – which means getting up to walk even though I’ll be hurting, taking deep breaths – all of the stuff you have to do in order to get a good report and go home to see my baby girl.
I hope that those cards will collect dust over the years as a result of not having to open them. And maybe one day, I will show them to Abbie and explain the reason for doing it.
But if for some reason I’m not around for her future birthdays, she will have those cards that I so carefully wrote meaningful messages in. I put lots of motherly advice and several stories of my experiences as I grew up. It will be like I am there, speaking to her.
And whether it’s surgery that takes my life, or something totally unexpected, she will have those messages from me to hold on to for years to come if I can’t physically be with her.
I’m glad that I did this, even as difficult as it was. I’m glad that Michael and I decided to plan ahead, with Aunt Lynda’s help as well.
I hope that she will understand the importance of these cards if they must be given to her, but I truly hope and pray that I will be able to hug and kiss her on those special occasions and tell her how very proud I am to be her mother. In those special moments, I will be there – one way or another.
(Photos courtesy of What I See Photography)
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I cried like a baby reading this. You are such a strong woman. I know deep in my heart that you will make it through all this…. surgery, post surgery, and therapy. Think positive and remember all the people that are praying for you. God will have his hand on your shoulder and guide you through this. May god bless you.
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May god bless you with a speedy recovery.
Sarah you are such an inspiration to all. Praying God’s healing, strength, courage and most of all His Peace for you and Michael. Much love
Praying for you every day!! You continue to be one of the strongest most amazing people I have come across in my life!
Praying for you Sarah, you are a beautiful soul. Many hugs to you as you! Fight!
Sarah you are an amazing person. I and Kelia pray for you and your family daily. Your little girl have great parents. God bless you Sarah. My heart and faith goes out to you. God is good.
Continuing to pray for you and your family sarah! ❤️❤️❤️??????❤️❤️❤️Much love!!!
Love you so much Sarah. You are a beautiful person and GODs love shines through you!
I cry everytime I read your blogs…. I find it hard to believe that I know this amazing person that instills so much hope. I will never understand why good things happen to good people. You will forever be my inspiration Sarah. That sweet baby girl will forever know how important and loved she is. If anyone can kick this, it’s you. I know that for fact. You truly are in my thoughts daily.
You strength is amazing..as I sat here and read the latest blog..I stopped and prayed and wept for your healing…you have touched me through all your blogs…fight fight fight..because you deserve the very very best♡ I know you got this♡
I was so tearful when reading your words. Sarah you are such a wonderful person and an Awesome mother to your little girl. I will be be praying for you on Monday that this all will go well for you ! I know God will be with you every step of the way.
Praying for you so much Sarah, I am so glglad and thankful to have such an amazing woman as my friend! You are the best Mother to Abbi and a great strong humble person who I love very much. Stay strong girl!! We all will be praying for you!
I must say Sarah, you and Michael has blessed the world with an adorably beautiful girl, just like her Mother. It is a blessing to see you grow up from a snot nose little kid to a fantastic woman
U r such a strong lady, keep ur faith, prayers r with u an drs. An family. We love u so much. GOD IS GOOD. LOVE U. ♡♡♡♡
A mother’s love is strong and so are you! God be with you, your husband and baby girl. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray that we all see a success story (in person) as you raise your daughter after the surgery is long over. May God surround you and the surgical team with His angels and He touch you with His mighty healing hand.
Sending Thought & Prayers for you & family ??
I too know the feeling of having a major surgery and all the worry of all the possibilities of things going wrong.. I was diagnosed with a 7mm brain aneurysm that was actually on the verge of rupturing. I have two boys so my mind like yours was constantly worrying, wondering, planning, panicking and then I began to pray everyday all day for 10 days until my surgery but not for my self. I prayed for my boys to have the strength to overcome what ever came out of this, I prayed for my husband to handle the outcome, there were no guarantees such as you. I was at risk of a stroke, cardiac arrest, and long term memory loss if I made it. The day of the surgery I had never felt more calm and at peace in my life and when they wheeled me back there to get the procedure started I looked at my family and smiled and said I’ll see y’all in alittle bit. Moral of the story, I whole heartedly believe in prayer, so I will be praying for you and we’ll see ya in alittle bit.❤️
Our prayers continue for you and your family. One day when you sit down with your adult daughter and show her these cards, she will know just how strong and loving her mother is!
Oh Sarah! We are praying for you so much here. Super hugz from all of us, Liv Jamie and myself. Liv has been talking about you and asking about you nonstop each day- you have made such a mark in her life. You were the first to really keep on going with her, despite her meltdowns and issues. Abbie is so blessed to have you as a mom. I cannot begin to imagine writing those cards. *hugz* from all of us. We are still praying for you and your beautiful little family there. Know that we all love you.
You are an amazing woman and I am sending prayers to you and your family for your recovery. So happy Lynda made these cards for you and hope they never have to be used.
I admit I had to start and stop reading this as the tears were flowing…you are such an amazing writer/speaker…you are simply the most amazing person I have ever known. I have prayed even harder for you since Wed…Dan, Lindy, Sauni and I will be praying for you especially tomorrow…God Bless you and your entire family…we love you Sarah,,,
Sarah you are such a blessing. You and Michael and Abbie are wrapped in our love and prayers.
This is a wonderful thing to do for Ab-hoping all goes well together and that you can read them together with her thru the years.
Praying for you and your family! I wish you a speedy recovery so that u can get back to your little girl! Stay strong!
❤️❤️❤️???? We do not know you but all I hear and read is of how amazing that you are! We will be amongst every one else praying continuously for you! You faithfulness is such an inspiration! Your story has touched my heart. Hugs and many prayers to you and your family ???
You are an amazing lady Sarah. You have an entire community praying for you, rather it be at church, or privately in our homes. You have such a wonderful spirit. I have been praying for you and will continue to pray for you.. I really do not know you all that well, but like so many others I am drawn to you and your story. (I can tell that you have that effect on people❤) God bless you and your family Sarah!!
Sarah, You are stronger than you know! The love you have for your precious Angel will continue to keep you going. Stay positive and know that your words mean so much more than you know to so many people…even people you do not personally know. You are an inspiration. Your cards were a perfect idea. God Bless You! I will continue to send love and prayers to you and your family. Hoping to meet you face to face and hug you personally someday soon. You are loved by many. Continue to write and share your story, you truly are an inspiration. Stay strong and fight hard. You amaze us! God is good!
Absolutely no words for this! You are a strong woman and me and my family will be praying for you!
Love you Sarah! Thank you for every word of hope you have shared! Praying…….
Sending you love and strength, Sarah! Praying for a smooth surgery and recovery! (Friend of Nessa’s)
Sarah you are such an inspiration to everyone! I can not tell you how many people I’ve came across talking about you! Everyone is praying so hard for you girl! Im sure those cards were so hard to write but lets pray you dont need them but instead get to say them. Xoxo good luck! My prayers are with you!
Sarah, you carve a path of courage and faith for others to follow. I’ve thought of your story and strength many times over the last month. Praying for you!
You are love and prayed for all the time my sweet little cousin. Much love to you and yours and I look forward to hearing all about the surgery on Tuesday morning when you have had a chance to rest a little bit. Love you much,
Kerri