Stage four.
You hear those words and automatically, your mind goes to something bad.
Chronically sick. Miserable side effects. Dying.
When a cancer metastasizes (returns or spreads), it is, by default, considered stage four.
I’ve never wanted to know what stage my previous cancers have been. I guess I thought that by not knowing, I’d have a better chance of beating it. I only had the courage to ask my Cleveland doctor earlier this year if metastases meant stage four. He told me it did.
I began my clinical trial on November 4, not even one full month after the removal of my left lung. I visit Cleveland for two weeks in a row, receiving one drug on my first visit and the same drug + an additional drug on my second. Then I get a week off before I do it all over again.
I’ve always been blessed to handle chemo side effects well – as in, I have had very few, if any, side effects – and never to the point of knocking me down for a period of time.
This time, however, is much different.
I handled the first drug just fine. But after receiving the second drug on November 11, I had several miserable days after that.
The worst pain came in my hands; my left was worse than my right. It was a fiery, knife-piercing rash that began in my palm and extended through my fingertips. For two days, I couldn’t even bend my fingertips because of the pain. The pain started to go away and the feeling has started to come back in my fingertips, but I’m still not back at 100%.
I also had bloody noses, bone pain and mouth sores, making it difficult to eat. Until you have experienced something like that, it is very difficult to describe how much pain and misery those side effects can bring.
While dealing with these side effects, I thought a lot about whether or not to continue with the study. I even went as far as informing my doctor of this thought.
As I was thinking this, I wasn’t thinking that it was “giving up.” I would simply want to enjoy my days, instead of constantly dealing with the agony that these side effects can bring.
I want to be able to hold my daughter instead of having to watch from afar because my fingertips are on fire.
I want to be able to take a walk without my hip or my ankle hurting with each step.
After discussing these concerns with my doctor, I learned that I will not receive the second drug again until my symptoms are completely gone. And at that point, the dosing would be altered in order to reduce the severity of the side effects.
I feel okay with continuing like this.
However, I can’t help but think that my situation is just a bit different from most.
When you’re receiving a chemo regimen, you are monitoring the effectiveness of the chemotherapy on the diseased organ/bone/tissue.
Hold on a minute…my diseased organ isn’t there anymore!
This regimen of chemo is simply acting as a “preventative” treatment, not sure if it’s doing the job or not. Obviously, if the cancer returns, we’ll know that it was not successful at preventing a recurrence.
And that’s where I’m finding myself at these days…
Do I continue with a chemotherapy regimen that is making me ill? A combination of drugs that is literally stealing time away from me because I’m in such pain? All in good faith that it is eradicating any remaining cancer cells in my body, but not knowing for sure?
Or do I choose to stop this treatment and pray like mad that the disease is out of my body? Do I stop this treatment so that I can enjoy whatever time I have left?
I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m not sure what options are left after this one.
That’s a pretty scary thought, knowing that options are slim.
There may come a time when we’re having to decide the best palliative care, or this may do the trick and the cancer stays away forever.
Having a “stage four” disease causes many concerns – treatment options being at the top of the list.
But none of us know how it will turn out. And that’s what makes it scary and encouraging all at the same time.
We all want the best outcome with the treatment that we’ve chosen, or have been recommended to try. We want it to work, so that we can put this hard time behind us.
But until then, I – and so many others in the same boat – just have to hold on to our faith and hope that we’re making the right decision.
It’s definitely not an easy thing to do, but our fighting spirit doesn’t let us give in so easily.
We’ll stick with it and we’ll show the disease that it won’t steal our best moments.
Those moments belong to us. Forever.
I hate that you’re having to deal with all this but also hopeful that it will turn out to be worth it and give you a long healthy life. Fighting shadows and dancing with question marks has got to be so hard. I cant imagine — but i can place you in God’s loving hands and trust Him to comfort you and guide you. Hang tough, beautiful girl. We love you.
I pray daily for u an that darn tick disease I wish there was something we could do except pray and don’t forget your faith. You are in God’s hands God knows what you’re going through and he will give you the strength to get through this and just remember we all are praying and love you seriously Sarah♡♡♡♡
Sarah, I have deep prayers for you!!!!
Sending so many prayers daily…you are a truly amazing woman…God Bless You…
Wish this would be able to pass quickly for you. I know how you are feeling to a certain degree because I watched Jim go through this. Not an easy time and I am praying for you so hard to come through this however you and God decide is the best! I believe you are a very special person and so brace I can not even find the words for it!! Hugs sweetie!!
I also think of you daily, Sarah and hoping for a good outcome for you. You have been an inspiration to so many through your journey! Take care and don’t give up!
I’m so sorry that you are going through this and have been going through this for such a long time. I can’t imagine how hard this is on you and your family and I’m praying for you. SO many are standing with you in prayer, Sarah, and believing God is going to get you through this and give you a long, blessed life. Love you much!!
You’re a smart and brave woman. I will continue to pray for you! Just let me know if you need anything! ❤️
Sending prayers and hugs.
I know of many having awful side effects so sorry now you are one of them. Take one day at a time. Breath listen to some music. Sounds like your Docs are adjusting. Best wishes and hope u can have a Thanksgiving
Praying for you every night, that you will be able to see Abby grow into a strong women like her Mother.
Love and prayers are going up for you, Sarah. You are an amazing person who loves our God of miracles. ??❤️
Continued love and prayers are being said on your behalf Sarah…. Stage 4 has no chance with God leading the battle. Please keep trusting and leaning on God, your family and your friends….we all love you so much, and God will guide you down the best road to recovery❤️?
Prayers and positivity are coming your way always!! Love you!! ❤️
You are such a strong woman. My prayers are with you!
Sarah, you and your beautiful family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your strength and positive attitude is nothing but inspiring, and I am so thankful to see and learn from your ability to hang tough and sing the praises of life. I’m sending you positive vibes every day!
Remember how blessed you are to have Michael, Abby and Kate by your side loving you every step.
I think of you often and continually pray and send love. I shed tears thinking of your journey. Hold on tight to Michael and Abby.
My prayers and thoughts are with you Sarah.I have read your post and I believe in my heart God has a bigger plan for you,and that you are truly Blessed.My husband back in 2010 came down with rectal cancer and he is 5 years cancer free and I am thankful to God for that. I pray you have a Blessed Thanks Giving / Christmas this year.I will continue praying for you and your family.
Sincerely;
Deborah Blaesing
We are praying for you! You sound like such a strong young woman! Keep your faith! Hugs and prayers from the Peterson family….
Oh Sarah, I am so sorry you are suffering. Rev. Mark prayed fervently for you Sunday and all of us at Hills Grove are praying extra that these nasty side effects leave you!
Many thoughts and prayers for you!
Keeping the FAITH Sarah?
You are in my thoughts and prayers, constantly. Keep the faith and stay strong so you can watch little Abbey grow up into the inspiring, talented and loving woman you are today! Love and healing hugs to you! ❤️??