A Mother’s Love

Nothing could have ever prepared me for the love I would feel for my child.

Sure, you hear about how wonderful it is to have a child and how much your life will change,
but there is nothing in this world that can prepare you for the amount of love you will have in your heart
for this tiny human that you have created.

You cry with them when they’re hurt.

You laugh with them when they discover joy in something.

And no matter how big they get, you always look at them and see your baby.

I am no seasoned mother, but I do appreciate every single second with my baby girl, because I realize those seconds will soon be few and far between.  The cliche is oh so true – they grow up way too fast.

Right now, I love watching her discover new things – new sounds, new tastes, new sights.
It’s almost like I am discovering all of it again, too.

I consider myself extremely blessed to get to be her mother.

There were a few years where Michael and I weren’t sure if we would be able to have children.
I had always wanted to be a mother, to experience the joy of carrying a child.
The motherly nature was simply a part of who I was, probably from growing up with many siblings.
But with all of my health issues throughout my teenage years, I had silently prepared myself for the fact that I may never be able to bear a child of my own.

About 4 years ago, I met a fertility doctor at a young adult cancer survivor retreat that I had attended and made an appointment with her.  I underwent several tests to determine if I was still able to conceive and carry a child.
As the test results came back with an unresounding “yes,” I was overjoyed!

Once Michael and I were married, we agreed that we would begin trying at the beginning of the following year.
On February 17, 2015, I was a few days late and decided to take a pregnancy test.
I honestly didn’t expect it to be positive.
As I sat in shock in the bathroom on that early Tuesday morning, I just kept telling myself –
“You’re going to be a mom!”

I could have easily screamed in excitement and awakened Michael, but I decided that I would stay quiet until I had figured out a creative way to tell him.
Boy, was that difficult!
If you would have asked me what I did at work that day, I couldn’t tell ya,
because my mind was so far removed from work!

When I arrived home that evening, the best plan that I had come up with was to hand him a generic “baby” card with a few sesame seeds in it, which represented the current size of our little one.
Inside the card, I had written “Congratulations, Daddy!”

I remember him looking down at the card and then back up at me.
“Seriously?” he asked.
I nodded.
He looked down again, then back at me.
I told him that I had a second pregnancy test that I could take if he didn’t believe me.
He wanted me to take it.
When it finally sank in for him, he was ecstatic!

Fast forward about 4 months – we were sitting at the ultrasound appointment that would be able to tell us the baby’s gender.  My health was still intact; I had not yet been diagnosed,
but we had agreed that we wanted it to be a surprise.
As the appointment drew closer, Michael kept asking – “Can we please find out?  Please??”
I was standing my ground, even though it was very hard to do!

Near the end of the ultrasound, the sonographer asked us a final time if we wanted to know the gender.
Michael and I looked at each other…
“Can we promise to keep it a secret for a few days?” I asked him,
so that we could reveal it to our family members in a special way.
He agreed.

“It’s a girl!”

I started to cry and squeezed Michael’s hand tighter.
We were having a little girl.

Looking back, I am glad that we found out the gender.
Three days after that appointment, I was admitted to the hospital for shortness of breath.
That’s when they found the tumors in the pleural cavity.

In the months leading up to her birth, we were able to attach a personality
to this beautiful little girl that we, and God, were creating.

At any point along the way, God would have been able to take that precious life from us.
And we knew that.
The worry and fear that we experienced during that time is nothing that we would ever wish upon anyone. I remember saying the same prayer for months on end … “God, if this little baby will endure a lifetime of suffering because of this chemotherapy, please spare her now.” As difficult as it was to pray that prayer, I knew that I couldn’t be selfish at a time like this.
But the Lord had a bigger plan for us – He chose us to be her parents.

And I am reminded of that every time I look at her.

How blessed we are to be her parents.

Sometimes life has a funny way of showing us blessings
where it would be so easy to see burdens.

He used my health issues as a way to show Abigail’s strength, and He is using her every day to keep me fighting.

As I celebrate my first Mother’s Day this weekend, I am reminded of how great this life is.
In the midst of the worst, the best can be revealed.

You just have to be looking for it.

Happy Mother’s Day to mothers everywhere ~
the only people who know what it’s like to have their heart
walking around outside of their body.