How do you bring up health issues while dating?
Dating can be rough, anyway, but when you’re dealing with an illness like cancer, it can be a bit more difficult to put yourself out there into the dating world.
I was 13 years old when my kidney disease was diagnosed, so I never really knew how to date anyone without bringing up my health issues. At 13, I obviously wasn’t dating much, but as I transitioned into high school, I was like any other teenage girl and became interested in the dating world.
I was diagnosed with cancer during my sophomore and senior high school years. I grew up in a small town; my classmates and I had been together since kindergarten, so their support remained through each disease and that was very comforting. I never dated throughout high school; I was close friends with my classmates and it never seemed right. Aside from that, I also had doctor appointments and treatments that kept me quite busy, so I didn’t have much time for a dating life.
It wasn’t until after high school that I started actively dating. I was the type of person who didn’t want to casually date – if I was with someone, I could see myself with them for the long run.
It was always difficult to bring up my health issues with men that I liked; I couldn’t hide it for long because the scars on my chest and arm were very prominent. I remember that it didn’t go over well with one of them – he didn’t know how to respond to it and just sort of shut down. That was the first time a “crush” had responded in that way, and I had a difficult time processing that.
Of course, I had had people throughout my life not know what to say regarding my health issues, but in terms of dating, I guess I assumed that if someone liked you, they would like everything about you. But I was still learning, and this was a big learning curve for me.
But what if you don’t have any visible scars? At what point do you tell the one you’re dating about your health issues? This is very much a personal choice. There is no “right time fits all.” When you feel comfortable enough with them, you will know when the right time comes.
I met my husband through a mutual friend. A group of friends and I attended a karaoke bar frequently and Michael just happened to be there one evening. We spent a part of every day of the next week together, and one evening, he walked me to my dorm room. Above my bed, I had a large poster of my skydiving photo, which is how I celebrated the completion of my second treatment. I didn’t have any hair in the picture. I invited Michael into the room and noticed that he was looking at the picture. We both sat down and I literally just spouted off my story to him in a matter of seconds. I felt like I needed to be honest and get it all out on the table for him, so that if he was uncomfortable with it, we wouldn’t waste any more time.
But he didn’t walk away. He simply embraced me in a hug and thanked me for telling him. That was one of the first times I knew that he would be the man I would spend the rest of my life with.
So ~ how do you bring up your health issues while dating?
Over the years, I have found that simply being honest is best. Everyone’s illness journey is personal; some do not like to talk about it, while others don’t have a problem talking about it. I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum.
In the beginning, it was a very personal issue for me and I never wanted to burden anyone else with the negative and unpleasant feelings that came with talking about it. I had always been a people-pleaser and never liked to see someone get uncomfortable when talking about my illnesses. However, one of the biggest lessons that I have learned along this journey is that you will encounter people who do not know what to say or how to act around you when they learn of your illness.
Please do not let this hinder your fighting spirit. Some individuals may have had unpleasant experiences with cancer throughout their lifetime – maybe a family member or a friend. They tip toe around the subject, very cautious not to hurt your feelings by what they say or do around you. This does not make them bad people; I see it as just another opportunity to either educate them about your disease, if they are open to that, or simply staying friends with them on a very basic level. You can never control what other people will think or say, but you can control how you respond.
It can be difficult to stay positive when you encounter people who don’t know how to act around you. It is important to have supportive people that you can turn to if this happens so that you can vent your frustrations. Remember that cancer is not who you are – you are still a beautiful person with goals and dreams and abilities. The right person will come into your life when you least expect it – it sounds cliche, but it’s true! It happened to me!
